Gwyneth Paltrow‘s life may seem like a perfect pile of GOOPy goodness, but the blonde bombshell nearly had her veneer of rich, liberal faultlessness torn down by one of the last sources that caters to her exact demographic — Vanity Fair.

Vanity Fair editor-in-chief Graydon Carter had initially planned to reveal a host of scandalous secrets about the married mom of two (allegedly including details about a reported affair with billionaire hotelier — and supermodel Elle Macpherson‘s husband — Jeff Soffer), prompting good girl Gwyneth to launch a preemptive strike. Before the hit piece made it into print, the actress enlisted her famous friends to boycott the magazine via a strongly worded — and frankly, hilarious — letter, begging them to give ol’ Graydon a taste of their cold, and delicately boned, shoulders.

“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine,” Paltrow informed her inner circle. “If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”

Just weeks after her letter hit the presses, Vanity Fair has come back to the drawing board with a kinder, gentler approach to the story, making many wonder just how much influence the much-maligned actress actually has over her peers, and what she had to hide.  A few unconfirmed rumors about what Paltrow was trying to keep under wraps include:

1. goop is an acronym for Getting Ornery Over Produce.

2. She advocates for cleanses, but actually maintains her low weight with a steady diet of exclusively hummingbirds.

3. She hasn’t been cheating with Jeff Soffer, she’s been cheating with Mario Batali — Crocs on.

4. In preparation for her role as Sylvia Plath, she slept with her head in an oven for months.

5. She paid $500K for evidence that mermaids are real.

6. She was once married to Metta World Peace for six months, but divorced him when he refused to take her last name.

7. She has only read two books in her lifetime: The Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing and Naked Lunch.

8. She has an entire book of photos of Chris Martin dressed up like Anne Geddes baby photos that she keeps next to her bed.

9. She has been named as a person of interest in the Amanda Knox case.

10. Her children are both holograms made from composite photos.

11. She has a tattoo of the Slayer logo on her right butt cheek, but only John Leguizamo has seen it.

12. She has massaged every cast member of Everybody Loves Raymond.

13. Rather than punishing her children with groundings or revoked privileges, she raises a glass vial of smallpox above their heads and threatens to break it.

14. Paltrow is Welsh for ‘horse thief’.

15. She’s a Hindenburg denier.

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