For most Americans, Christmas is a time to relax, overeat, and celebrate the glory of excess in something you’d never wear outside — be it a bejeweled sweater, or an pair of adult-sized footie pajamas — in the company of people who won’t judge you. But for celebrities, whose lives are just — how do we say this delicately — better and more important than ours, Christmas isn’t just a day to unwrap presents in the midst of people who tell you how special you are.
For stars, that day is every day, and on Christmas, it’s time to go big or go home. Here are our picks for the stars’ most questionable ways of celebrating the holiday:
Justin Bieber: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus — and he convinced Justin Bieber to reiterate that he’s retiring, just in time for a truly silent (or at least Bieber-free) night. The new prince of pop informed fans last week that he was quitting the music biz for good after the release of his most recent album, and it seems what was originally dismissed as a hoax may be the real deal. On Christmas Eve, The Bieb tweeted, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring,” although he provided no further specifics. Perhaps it was a cry for attention (or at least the thousands of “Nooooooooooo, Justin! We love you!” tweets that came in response) or perhaps it was a joke, but most adults can agree that a year without hearing an entitled 20-year-old hiss “SWAG” again is a Christmas present that works for everyone.
The Kardashians: If angels came down to earth, spray tanned, took selfies, and bought mansions with the money paid to their family by an accused murderer, you’d have the Kardashian girls. Reality TV’s most-loathed ass-tastic princesses may have spent the latter part of their Christmas Eve throwing thousand dollar bills in the air and making cash angels in the piles that had fallen to the ground, but their morning was spent doing the charitable work that makes people love them (and no, we don’t mean more sex tapes with Ray J). In a true Christmas miracle, Kim Kardashian and her sister, Kendall Jenner, spent the early part of the day at Los Angeles Children’s Hospital saying hello to children and being ushered away from their fathers.
Gwyneth Paltrow: If you hadn’t heard yet, Paltrow is a woman of the people, and that’s never truer than when she’s celebrating the birth of Christ. This holiday, the GOOPy goddess kept things simple in a video for her lifestyle brand, opting to trade in her children and husband for elegantly wrapped cashmere capes from her best bud and sole party guest, Michael Kors. The besties started off their lonely, perfect holiday with glasses full of something she described as being like “drunk ice cream,” words Gwynnie strung together after reading them in a magazine at the office where she gets her colonics. Next, the pair fed each other chickens Gwyneth had killed earlier in the day using a stunning pebbled leather belt from Michael’s spring collection before attending to the plate of Play-Doh rolls they had baked in the oven. “One for everyone!” she cried, pulling the hot, inedible lumps off the baking sheet. As they set the place cards for their imaginary best friends on the table where no one would dine, before slipping their star of David on the multicultural free-range tree, they knew this year they had finally done it — they had won Christmas.
JWOWW and Roger Mathews: Nobody loves attention more than reality stars, and nothing gets attention more than a baby. Jenni and Roger, who have already employed the attention grabbing techniques of prominently displaying breast implant scars at social functions and unironically wearing a goatee after 1997, respectively, rang in Christmas 2013 with the biggest attention-grab of all: announcing Jenni’s pregnancy on Twitter. Now who’s cool, Snooki‘s kid?
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