This past Monday say a veritable slew of head coach firings in the NFL By the end of the day, there were no fewer than 6 vacancies. The company line we hear a lot when things like this happen is, “This is a business,” but what about the guys on the other end of those firings? Don’t they have feelings too? We here take their best interests into account and want to make some possible suggestions for them moving forward given their unique situations and skill sets.
Former Team: Cleveland Browns
New Profession: Marriage Counselor
The former Browns coach was let go after just one year and a 4-12 record — part of the string of questionable decisions by the new regime. The feelings he may have right now are probably those of a jilted significant other. One could almost picture the management telling him, “It’s not you. It’s us.” Chudzisnki would fit right in as a marriage counselor, trying to convince couples to work it out instead of giving up on a promising relationship — and he’d tell them to be better than the Browns, who broke up with him without even bothering to tell him he was always just a rebound.
Former Team: Detroit Lions
New Profession: President of the United States of America
Jim Schwartz was head of one of the most talented teams in football with blue chippers on both sides of the ball. After a hot start, the Lions failed to reach the playoffs in what should have been a wideopen NFC North. His repeated failings in the final fourth of a season would seem to make him ideal for the four quarters of a Presidential term. Imagine President Schwartz making a ton of promises, such as a seemingly unstoppable Megatron-like economy, and the national debt decreasing daily only for Schwartz to make all the worst possible decisions in the fourth year of his presidency — and eventually losing a war with Canada.
Former Team: Washington Redskins
New Profession: Reality TV host
Mike Shanahan is possibly the most successful of the coaches on this list, having three Super Bowl wins under his belt. During his tenure as a coach, he has done just about everything a man could accomplish. His next challenge? Hosting a reality show. Shanahan has shown that he can play a Bachelor-like game with his running backs, showing each of them varying amounts of affection, much to the chagrin of fantasy players worldwide. Next, he has proven his ability to deal with crazy millionaires a la the star of The Apprentice, Donald Trump, with his working in tandem with team owner Dan Snyder. Even his handling of RGIII proves that he could deal with the divas of American Idol. Shanahan is already well on his way to becoming a veritable Ryan Seacrest.
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Former Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New Profession: Motivational Speaker
Greg Schiano led the Buccaneers to a very disappointing season after a promising year prior, running Doug Martin into the ground and Josh Freeman out of town in the process. What makes Schiano a good candidate for motivational speaking? Simply put, he has to be incredibly convincing. Somehow a coach from a middling, never good, not overly relevant Rutgers team managed to land a job with one of the 32 NFL teams. That is a rags-to-riches story if there ever was one. Schiano could tell his story country wide and talk about how it is his belief in himself and his never say die attitude that led him to the big leagues, and due to the ever revolving coaching carousel, probably a long coaching career.
Former Team: Minnesota Vikings
New Profession: Stunt Man
Leslie Frazier, just one year removed from a playoff run with the Vikings, finds himself searching for work. I recommend that he head away from frigid Minnesota and find his way to an action movie set. After all, few people have rolled with as many punches as Frazier. Losing Adrian Peterson to injury? Percy Harvin gone? A one season QB carousel that could make my fantasy team jealous? All big checks, but Frazier always managed to land on his feet and kept his team playing hard throughout. I say he should translate his talents into being a stunt double for some of Hollywood’s leading men.
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Former Team: Houston Texans
New Profession: NFL Coach
For those of you who don’t remember, the Texans were not too long ago an expansion team. It is so young that Kubiak was only the second coach in that team’s history. He took a franchise in disarray to the playoffs, and, in the eyes of most, to become a legitimate Super Bowl contender at the beginning of this year’s preseason. Kubiak saw his quarterback implode, his star running back plagued by injuries, and eventually suffered a heart attack. How did the Texan management reward that a year after their second straight playoff win? With a firing before the season was even finished. Kubiak will no doubt coach in the league again, and I personally wouldn’t mind if he were to inherit the helm from Rod Chudzinski for my beloved Cleveland Browns.
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