Ginger Clam’s favourite hairy love machine, David ‘often drunk’ Hasselhoff, has caused global panic today with news that he has been de-Hasselhoffed.

People around the world lined the streets weeping as video footage showed Hasselhoff making a statement of extraordinary magnitude.

“I’ve been wanting to drop the Hassel from my life for years. Now I have made it official,” he said, holding up an official certificate showing the name change.

The power of Hasselhoff’s name is thought by many to control gravity and protect the earth from damaging gamma rays coming from outer space. But this new ‘David Hoff’ just sounds like a pussy.

Hoff offered fans little comfort on Twitter, he wrote:

“Big news today and a massive relief for me. I hope everyone can understand… it feels great!”

Governments around the world are busy preparing official statements on the development.

President Obama is said to be ‘angry as a fox in a heatwave’. While Vladmir Putin is thought to be preparing ‘retaliatory action’ by changing his own name to Oprah.

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