Thanksgiving is almost here, which means spending approximately 300 percent more time in the kitchen: there are turkeys to be stuffed, potatoes to be mashed, and cream to be whipped. Pies, no matter how advanced technology gets, do not bake themselves.
Of course, the worst part about all this manual labor isn’t the calories or the never-ending slew of complains from your ungrateful relatives. It’s the fashion.
Kitchen fashion is at an all-time ugly. Aprons – even aprons with hilarious cat pictures on them – are so 1622. White chef coats? What, are you living in a miserable reality show on the Food Network? Top Chef? More like Top Blegh. And this “ugly sweater” trend that plagues Facebook newsfeeds is simply abominable. The kitchen is no place for pom pom snowmen and unraveling reindeer. Ugly sweaters are just downright degrading.
Luckily, there is a kitchen fashion SOLUTION this season.
Bikinis!
Beach wear is due to be taken off the backburner of the culinary world. Martha Stewart recently tried to introduce the beauty of the bathing suit when she donned a sequined red bikini during an (unaired) episode of her cooking show. There have also been rumors that Gordan Ramsey wanted to make bikinis mandatory for all contestants on his reality show, Hell’s Kitchen. This trend is right on the cusp of becoming The Next Big Thing.
Whether they are teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot, or just some miniscule triangles of napkin attached to strings, it is obvious that bikinis are meant to be worn in the kitchen. Unlike bulky aprons, bikinis leave your abdomen bare so that your stomach can be closer to the food. They are water-proof (well, water ready), and more compact than any restraining chef’s jacket. Studies show that those who wear a bikini in the kitchen are significantly less likely to mortally wound themselves with knives, cheese graters, or food processors.* Magical.
*This study makes no claims about non-fatal wounds, blood loss, or accidental amputations.
Plus, if you spill grease on yourself wearing an ugly apron or jacket, odds are that your clothes will be ruined. If you spill grease on yourself while wearing a bikini, there is little chance that any will get on that material — there’s just so little of it!
So this holiday season, pretend that “Life’s a Beach.” Don’t settle for ugly sacks of fabric that hide that gorgeous chef body of yours.
Men — too shy to wear your bikini in front of guests? Try a Speedo. Not as fashionable, but it will do.
Need proof? See the trend in action on the Bikini Kitchen channel via FilmOn:
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