Top 40, Meet Jane Goodall

According to his single “Gorilla,” Bruno Mars likes to get down animal style. Calling upon his inner King Kong, he croons about how even a SWAT team would not be able to get in the way of “you and me, baby, making love like gorillas.” Hmm. Sounds romantic. And possibly feral.

As this song gains momentum on the charts, inevitably doomed to haunt commuters as they hear it 12 times during their morning commute, it’s time to ask the important questions. Mainly:

Why gorillas?

True, they are kind of our cousins, and science has found that they are one of the few other species who has sexy-time just for funsies (dolphins being the kinkiest of those select species). It’s just interesting that Bruno is trying to appoint gorillas as the mascot of making love.  He eschewed cats, chickens, ferrets in favor of monkeys that kind of look like furry, angry, elderly people who forgot to put pants on.

Maybe he chose gorillas because the majestic Chihuahua was already taken by Taco Bell.

No matter where Monsieur Mars’ sexual inspiration came from, the fact of the matter is that making love like gorillas has a chance at being trendy. Any minute now, Kanye is going to be Tweeting about a certain Kardashian with the hastag #LikeGorillas, and the rest of the world will follow suit. But even Sir West may not know exactly what making love like gorillas really means.

According to research done by the Jane Goodall Foundation (Jane Goodall, as in the woman who lived in the wild with chimpanzees for a good chunk of her life, making her the leading expert in monkey business — sorry, Bruno), male gorillas live by a strict hierarchy, headed by an alpha male who gets first pick of the ladies. Female gorillas are surprisingly feisty and may actually approach the alpha male when they are feeling frisky and fertile.

Nerdy, less popular gorillas will ask girl-rillas on dates far away from the rest of the clan so the alpha male can’t pick fun while they are making moves. Usually, when two gorillas separate from the group like this, they have sex until the lady gorilla gets pregnant. Bruno Mars, is that what you want us to be doing?! Wandering off and getting knocked up? Can’t we make love like salmon and avoid the stretch marks?

In terms of the mechanics of doing the deed, gorillas spice things up regularly, exhibiting evidence of trying new positions. While most of those positions involve the male going ape shit all up behind his partner, a scientist (well, hopefully a scientist) recently photographed two gorillas mating face-to-face. It looks like they are kissing! So beautiful!

Maybe gorillas do make love.

So when you hear “Gorilla” for the zillionth time today, don’t think about Bruno Mars going bananas on some chick he met backstage at his concert. Instead, think of a gorilla couple taking a staycation away from their annoying friends, out in the grasslands (or in the corner of their glass enclosure); alone at last.

But don’t think about it too hard. Trust me: nightmares.

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