Riddle me this, Batman: When’s the last time any of you guys on BattleCam or watching people jock their joysticks on IGN got a real haircut?

I don’t mean the last time you plugged in the shitty set of clippers you ordered off Amazon or when you walked into Supercuts for a $15 mistake. I’m talking about an actual adult haircut at a salon. By a stylist. With a license. Who doesn’t have hand tremors.

A lot of guys complain about the steep prices of men’s haircuts and opt for the bargains instead. I get it. It’s hard to fathom shelling out upwards of $40 for a seemingly simple procedure. There are only so many variations of men’s hairstyles after all. But I’m telling you: Women can tell.

Don’t believe me? Take the dashing Commander Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Those big blue eyes were enough to make even the straightest man’s heart flutter, but his coife suggested precision, strength, and composure – all the makings of the man worthy of Captain Picard’s second-in-command.

By the way Chief, take a look at Bikini Kitchen to remind yourself what an actual, non-digital woman looks like so you don’t have a heart attack when you go outside.

Grooming isn’t just for the pretty boys, believe it or not. And there’s a broad spectrum to choose from, ranging from simply shaving your face to manscaping your motherboard. For some, that may mean finally trying shampoo on shower days. You can choose what’s right for you. No need to empty the coin tray in your mom’s car for a professional haircut just yet. The “Commander Riker” isn’t for everyone. It takes a lot of man to grow a beard like his and let’s face it, not everyone is ready for that kind of power. Choose what’s right for you. Whether that’s the “Geordie” or even the “Beverly Crusher,” just please take a break from BattleCam for the love of pussy and get a damn haircut.