duck dynasty, phil robertson anti-gay racist, a&E ends suspension

For most people the holiday season means lots of food, ridiculous hours spent shopping prices and getting mad at the neighborhood kids who throw snowballs at cars. That’s not the case with Duck Dynasty’s Robertson family, however, who has their own way of celebrating Christmas in their southern home of West Monroe, Louisiana. Their holiday special, Duck the Halls, A Robertson Family Christmas airs Wednesday, Dec. 10 and — Damn it! — those nasty beards and redneck ways have crept into all of our lives. We’ve got the camo underwear to prove it.

Sarah Palin even stopped by last weekend, too cross-promote the show with her book Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas. But these may be just the kinds of events the beloved holiday needs protecting from. And the threat to the tradition of bashing weak celebrity Christmas albums and more important television events like the Charles Schulz’s holiday specials might be too much for some to bear. It’s possible to go all Duck Dynasty n your yule log without bothering to watch this thing at all.

1) Ducks: This one almost goes without saying, but if we’re talking about Duck Dynasty these birds are a must, no matter what time of year. (They’re for eating by the way.) It’s hard to find a recipe for duck lately that isn’t super fancy and French though. But anything that involves shoving a beer can in the rear end of a recently slaughtered creature seems to fit the bill, so here’s “Beer Can Duck.”

2) Obnoxious Christmas Decorations: The matriarch of the Duck Dynasty family, Kay Robertson,  loves her decorations, so much so that every surface possible must be covered with tinsel, lights and miniature Santas. It may look like the Christmas isle in Target threw up, but at least it’s festive. Actually, throwing around some serious cash at your 99 cent store is probably the best strategy.

3) Camouflage: A fashion staple in the Robertson’s closets, camouflage pants, shirts and bandanas are all not only acceptable but preferred attire to a Duck Dynasty holiday bash. Will there be red and green camo? This could hurt.

4) Beards: Much like camouflage, beards are another fashion necessity for this Christmastime extravaganza.  Every man on the show has facial hair of epic proportions and we’re sure its Duck Dynasty that acted as the Gladwellian tipping point that made beards, previously the property of twee hipsters and real lumberjacks only, become the more mainstream trend among twee lumberjacks and just whoever. What could be more in tune with a holiday that celebrates two bearded dudes, anyway? One who’s become sort of non-secular (Santa) and one who is pretty hardcore religious (Jesus).

Bonus) The Pirducken: Some people have heard of the culinary adventure known as the Turducken. This bizarre meal is a duck, inside of a chicken, inside of a turkey. The Robertson’s took this one step further and put the whole thing inside of a pig, re-christening it a Pirducken. We still can’t decide if the Robertson’s version of this meal sounds delicious or entirely revolting, but either way it is definitely the most important part to Duck the Halls. (And the extra points are really because the heads of all the super-cool foodie butchers in Brooklyn just exploded).

Watch the best in hunting, fishing the great outdoors on Pursuit via FilmOn:

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