Charlie Hunnam has pulled his massive, um, talent out of what may soon be known as art-photographer-turned-Hollywood-director Sam Taylor-Johnson’s viscous epitaph, Fifty Shades of Grey. But the question remains as to why the British-born stud decided to walk away from countless millions, worldwide fame, and what would likely be the most terrifying fan mail of all time.

While there’s been speculation about Charlie’s fear of being the object of panty-throwing and the studio’s pressure to go with somebody a little less towheaded and a little more Matt Bomer-headed, the studio’s official statement regarding his departure claims that he’s just too busy — something he didn’t realize until after he’d signed on the dotted line.

“The filmmakers of Fifty Shades of Grey and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule, which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey,” Universal Pictures claims.

(Gotta wonder about that since FX’s SOA is only 13 episodes a season, but whatevs.)

It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Charlie’s allegiance (via his character Jackson “Jax” Teller) to a particular outlaw motorcycle gang that doesn’t take too kindly to people dropping trou to mommy porn in their neck of the woods, now could it?

If Charlie were to star in the Fifty Shades trilogy, here are some of the top SAMCRO rules he’d be breaking by assuming any of Christian Grey’s more compromising positions:

  • Not wearing club colors. Any SoA member worth his salt knows that to enter the clubhouse, you have to wear the appropriate colors. In Charlie’s case, for the Redwood Originals, that’s blue and white. We’re guessing that, unless Taylor-Johnson’s vision for the film takes a decidedly Guys and Dolls turn, Christian Grey likely won’t be rocking any Sinatra-style pinstripes.
  • Bringing your weapon into church: Anastasia Steele may not be a particularly religious girl, but Christian Grey’s arsenal of whips, chains, and handcuffs have an amazing way of making her knees hit the floor in the sacred space that is his bedroom. Christian may not be bringing a gun to the altar, exactly, but we’re sure that spanking in any sanctum would be considered a faux pas.
  • Rejection of conformist culture: There’s almost nothing that says “I strive for conformity” more than becoming an American CEO — except, of course, for being an American CEO like Christian, who unwinds with discipline (even the naked kind) rather than the usual scotch and cigar.
  • And above all, SAMCRO’s most important rule remains: loyalty to the club comes above everything, even the hot girl you’ve left tied up in your sex dungeon.

Reacquaint yourself with the original legendary biker. Watch Evel Knievel, the biopic starring George Hamilton as the famous motorcycle stuntman at OnDemand.FilmOn.

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