At this point in his career, what does Chris Brown have to lose?
The bleach blond bad boy has spent the better part of the last five years torpedoing his career by beating up women and getting into petty spats with fellow musicians, including Drake and Frank Ocean, and now, he’s added to his lengthy history of douchebaggery by landing himself a felony assault charge on top of the probation he’s currently on.
According to TMZ, Chris and his bodyguard got into a fight with a man outside of D.C’s W Hotel, with Chris telling the man, “I’m not into this gay s—t” before pummeling the guy for reportedly photobombing him.
So now, after alienating pretty much every fan group out there — men, women, gay people, folks who hate being beaten up for no reason — Chris needs to come up with some pretty stellar acts of contrition pretty quick.
Here are our top picks for how he can revamp his image:
Find God: Finding religion can be a meaningful life change that comes as the result of a profound event, like a near-death experience, or smelling Beyonce‘s hair, but it can also be the difference between people thinking you’re a nonstop punching machine and thinking you’re a nonstop punching machine with a beautiful, misunderstood soul. Unfortunately, the image revamp does not come along with the following religions: Scientology, Satanism.
Go to Prison: Let’s face it: lots of people want this dude in jail, and it might not be the worst place in the world for him, what with his extensive criminal history and all. If you do prison right and don’t make a ton of appeals to the media about why you don’t deserve to be there, it can act like an collective memory eraser for some of your bad acts — Mike Tyson went to prison and people traded in “bird enthusiast” for “rapist” when describing him; T.I. went to prison and landed himself a family-friendly reality show; and Robert Downey, Jr. went to prison and became goddamned Iron Man.
Go full Lohan: If you’re going to be the absolute worst all the time, like Chris seems to have his heart set on being, you’ve got to have some good excuses for it. People don’t seem to be willing to excuse people who have “anger issues” for their bad behavior, but if you have anger issues fueled by exercise bulimia and mescaline addiction, well, you’ve got yourself a People cover. While the bulk of Chris’ problem obviously rests in his severe personality defect and his fists’ attraction to faces, it also lies with his PR people, who cannot, for the lives of them, make this man seem sympathetic. So he needs to lie. He needs to lie a lot. He needs to make up sob stories and make excuses and blame the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, or whatever, but he needs to do it fast. Hollywood is a fickle place and all of those girls who keep tweeting about letting him punch them because he’s soooo fine are going to sober up and realize they don’t actually want some guy with a bunch of tribal tattoos to beat them up and he’s going to be a 35-year-old who can’t stop getting in bar fights. Melt down. Go to rehab. Build it back up. Fade away.
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