Hey, guys. It’s Monday. You might not have noticed because you’ve been holed up playing Grand Theft Auto V for the past month. Meanwhile, your mom has been leaving your meals outside your bedroom door and clutching her chiffon scarf while expressing her concern to “the girls” at Bridge Club that this new video game perpetuates violence, misogyny, drug use, and offensive language.

This could be a good time to tell her that you have no plans to ever join the water polo team or go to law school. Or shower in the immediate future.

While you work on that, I have a few things of my own to tell her:

Mom, the uproar over GTA V’s mature content is nothing new. The world saw the same controversy with its franchise predecessors. No one denies the game’s graphic adult content, not even Rockstar Games, who (you guessed it) made the damn thing. As a parent, what you choose to expose or shelter your spawn to or from is your prerogative, but I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about.

  • Explicit sexual content

The uncensored sex scene in GTA V has stirred up quite a buzz. It features a 21-year-old male having sex with a 24-year-old brunette, doggy style, over a patio table. I understand why some parents may object to it, but wouldn’t you rather have your kid watch digitized fictional characters do the dirty than have to sit through the painfully bad acting of a pixelated, bootleg porno? And the brunette rushes her partner to hurry and finish up, which also prepares your child for future real world scenarios.

  • Hookers and blow.

Railing prostitutes and doing drugs are signature parts of the GTA games, so shame on you if you didn’t know that by now. Mom, you really have nothing to worry about thought. Your kid’s shitty after school job at the mall food court doesn’t pay well enough for him to get his sweaty paws on anything of the sort.

  • Violence.

Remember when Eminem made his angry white rapper guy debut and moms everywhere thought he was a bad influence on American youth? Well, you can all calm the f*ck down. His daughter was just named Homecoming Queen at her high school. If he was going to be a bad influence on anyone, it would have been to her. Violence on screen is pervasive and a separate issue, but as far as your kid goes, he’s more likely to be negatively influenced by that trick ass ho in his math class than a video game.

See, Mom? It’s not so bad when you put it into perspective. And if you still object to GTA V’s adult content, at least he’s making shitty decisions from the safety of your own home. That reminds me — he said you guys were out of Bagel Bites.

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