jeam claude van damme, volvo

From what we can see, these skates are built like a truck.

Volvo has invented the most high tech roller skates known to mankind.

In a YouTube video released earlier this week, martial artist and roller skate enthusiast Jean Claude Van Damme demonstrated the new Roller Volvos. Complete with D13-LNG engines, each skate has a whopping eighteen wheels –over four times what the “classic models” sport — lending quadruple the support to the lower back and gluteus maximus. Van Damme clearly approves because he looks nothing short of delighted in the video. One could compare him to a little girl on Christmas; he seems that close to squealing.

And who wouldn’t with their legs that far apart? Van Damme wears his Roller Volvos proudly while doing his world famous Sk8 Split, which is exactly what it sounds like. Just like in his eight-month Off-Broadway run of Xanadu, Van Damme does not wear a helmet. He does, however, say something badass about the X Games… or something. We couldn’t quite catch it through that accent, which he picked up, by the way, studying the art of yoga-skating in Belgium as a young boy. Again, that is exactly what it sounds like.

The video, which already has over 33 million views, also features the roller skating anthem “Only Time,” by Enya. In multiple interviews, the singer has divulged that the song was inspired by her brief stint on the U.S. Olympic roller derby team. She recently confirmed that she already pre-ordered a pair of pink Roller Volvos in a size six.

Roller Volvos are so powerful that they have already been banned in 85 percent of roller rinks around the country. They run on diesel fuel and contain a sophisticated braking system, as well as a secret compartment large enough to store a ton of furniture (literally). Government officials stated in a recent press conference that they believe that Roller Volvo users should be required to carry a special license. In order to obtain a license like this, Roller Volvo owners will need to attend skating classes and take a skating test at a government run facility, where they will wait in lines longer and crueler than any line they’ve ever experienced, even at Disneyland on a Saturday.

Neither Van Damme nor Obama was available for comment.

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