X-men sex

After months, even years of build-up, X-Men fans were shaking down to their bones with anticipation for this weekend’s big release of X-Men Days of Future Past.

So why does it feel like Director Bryan Singer kicked my dog on prom night?

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Even when he sat out for the promo tour, X-Men loyalists vowed not to be deterred by the sexual assault allegations against him. He had our unwavering loyalty. May 23, 2014 couldn’t come fast enough. But then it did and all we got was a Michael Bay rendition of an X-Men movie? WTF Singer?

The promise of uniting two all-star casts and weaving new fan-favorite mutants into an intricate plot, all set to flawlessly scored music and special effects gave it all the makings of a phenomenal X-Men movie. Unfortunately everyone was so busy making everything about Days of Future Past so fucking epic that they forgot to write a good script. Not even the combined power of Jennifer Lawrence’s blue tatas and Michael Fassbender’s unparalleled ability to nail every line could make up for the major gaps in the plot.

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The cast certainly wasn’t the problem. James McAvoy, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Halle Berry – these guys are all pros. That’s how X-Men movies got to where they are now in the first place. But the highly anticipated introduction of new characters to the franchise was on the shaky side, mainly Quicksilver who played a critical part in Magneto’s rescue but abruptly dropped off in the storyline, and Bishop who had no more than two or three lines – mostly consisting of loud roars than actual words – and for some reason looked like a black version of Thor. The return of Shadowcat was also a major let down, unless you’re pumped to see Ellen Page whimper on screen for two hours.

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Bryan Singer might or might not actually be a sexual predator. But one thing’s for sure: X-Men Days of Future Past was a crime.

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