Since the tape of 80-year-old Clippers owner Donald Sterling railing about black people, Instagram, and his terribly difficult role as the multimillionaire footing the bill for a team of athletes who’d be nothing without him, hit the internet, one question has been on the world’s mind, and it isn’t, “Could Donald Sterling possibly be the racist nightmare he appears to be?” The question is: who is V. Stiviano, and what the hell is she going to do next? While little is known about Sterling’s 38-year-old mistress, other than her stunning ability to command millions of dollars worth of real estate, cars, and designer accessories with little more than her vagina and some basic phone manners, it’s clear that she’s got some tricks up her sleeve, if not a clear five-year plan. So what should the LeBron of gold-digging, the woman Donald Trump called, “The Girlfriend from Hell,” do with her newfound fame? We have a few ideas.
Vivid is calling. Will V. answer? From offering up big bucks to Kris Jenner for her rumored sex tape to paying out the nose to show the world parts of D-listers they never knew they wanted to see, porn king Steve Hirsch has made careers for relative unknowns, while lining his pockets in the process. Given V.’s very public affair with Sterling, we can’t imagine Vivid won’t offer her a lucrative deal in the near future, and, given her fondness for the finer things, it may not be the worst option — it sure beats a 9 to 5.
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Reality star: If there’s one thing the world loves more than train wreck, it’s a train wreck with a reality show in the works. Considering the low bar for entry set by shows like I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’ and Keeping Up With the Kardashians, V. is a shoo-in for her own reality series. It’s already got all the components it needs for success: horrible old people, secret recordings, national interest — it’s like Watergate, shot up with Restylane.
Handbag designer: Hear us out, because there’s a precedent here. Monica Lewinsky gets some of the President’s men on that blue suit of hers and, like that, she’s got her own handbag line. Paris Hilton does some acrobatics through the lens of Rick Salomon’s night vision goggles and — voila — a line of purses now bears her name. If V. wants a follow-up career to gold-digging that doesn’t necessarily involve pretending to be aroused by racism and sexism (we’re not expecting Galliano and Lagerfeld partnerships for her anytime soon), why not slap her name on some accessories? At least it will allow her to give some of that tired Chanel a break.
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Gold-digger, redux: It’s clear that gold-digging has brought V. all the things she wants for the moment, but what happens when the interviews are over and the paparazzi have gone home? If Stiviano has learned anything from close pal Karrine “Superhead” Steffans, it should be that there’s no reason to quit your current job until you find another one or, better yet, a book deal. If she gets just a few more d-bags to open up to her and finds herself a literary agent, she can spend the rest of her days roller-skating around that duplex of hers, without a care in the world.
President, because, why not? If Barack Obama has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can become president, even if they’re born in Hawaii, have a middle name that scares a lot of Americans, and have little more than two Ivy League degrees and a history as a leader in their community to back them up — so why not V.? The model (?) slash attempted elicitor of human decency from the married men she’s sleeping, with has made it clear that getting all that designer swag wasn’t her end goal. “One day, I will become president of the United States of America. And I will change the legislation and laws,” V. told paparazzi. “Modern-day history. Civil-rights movement.”
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