Are you making Valentine’s Day plans? Of course you are. Mom’s basement is no place to spend the most romantic day of the year.
But if you’d rather endure public shaming for being a single than endure Mom’s meatloaf on the most romantic day of the year, head to the movies. There are plenty of terrible new films hitting theaters this Friday where you can meet other people who, like you, make poor purchasing decisions in the name of finding love — or at least watching it.
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We’ve rounded up the top 5 movies ready to shit on your Valentine’s Day:
1. Endless Love
The only thing more painful than the 2 minutes, 17 seconds of this trailer is the realization you paid money to watch two more hours of the same. This tragic love story is a remake of the 1981 film of the same name, and a teen heartstring-tugger that promises to send anyone old enough to drink racing for something to numb its painful melodrama.
2. About Last Night
Not even Kevin Hart can save this one, but it might be the least painful Valentine’s Day movie of the bunch, if only because you’re guaranteed at least a few laughs in between its he-said-she-said business between its stars.
3. Labor Day
Just like everyone else, when you think of a good love story, the first thing that comes to mind is the pairing of Josh Brolin and Kate Winslet. Except not at all. The latest film by Jason Reitman (Young Adult, Up In The Air) opened two weeks ago at the box office — and was savaged by critics upon its release — but given its competition, adults might give it a boost in ticket sales.
4. Winter’s Tale
The only explanation for this movie’s existence is that Colin Farrell wanted a way to tell America in two long hours that he’s no longer Hollywood’s bad boy.
Let’s just assume that this remake will not do the original justice. But if you’d rather watch explosions more than couples holding hands and watching fireworks in some cheesy love story, this could be a winner. Unless the idea of a grieving wife and mother coming to terms with the discovery her husband is a head and a pair of lungs attached to a killing machine qualifies as “sweet.”
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Watch Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast to get answers to all of your romantic queries, only on FilmOn:
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