As some of you may have heard, the Heisman winning, Bible thumping, Twitter exploding, all-he-does-is-win-games Tim Tebow is making a return to the public eye after a season that didn’t see him take one meaningful NFL Snap. Currently, he’s being put into a position that he’s perfectly suited for, which some of his fans will say is a nice change of pace. That position is being analyst for ESPN’s new Southeastern Conference love-fest network. Just as he was promoted to the starter after sitting behind Kyle Orton, we may see Tebow promoted quickly into other positions. Let’s look at how he would affect some of ESPN’s most prominent programs, and parent company Disney’s biggest projects as well.
1. First Take
Tebow takes the desk to moderate the arguments between the incendiary Tebow-supporter Skip Bayless and his counterpart, the nay-saying Stephen A. Smith. Discouraged by the adversarial and venomous tone of their discussions eventually Tebow convinces them both to be kinder to each other and in their criticisms of coaches and players. Smith is unable to cope and is eventually replaced by fan favorite Woody Paige. The show’s ratings remain stable mostly due to the influx of athletes actually willing to be interviewed now that they don’t have to contend with Bayless’ usual barbs and vitriol.
2. Sunday NFL Countdown
Tebow is quickly shoehorned into the already crowded desk of players-turned-analysts. Their patented “C’mon Man” segment which normally seeks to lampoon the worst plays of the week instead becomes “Hey, you gave it your all” and instead celebrates plays that might not have worked out perfectly but involved players trying their best because “It’s how you play the game that truly matters , right?” Ratings actually improve as Christian churches across the country deem that watching is an acceptable substitute for Sunday services. Tebow goes undefeated in his picks as mysterious maladies often seem to befall the teams he picks against, most notably as his replacement Peyton Manning and the rest of the Broncos are afflicted with what can only be called a series of plagues, while the Saints go undefeated after Drew Brees changes his name to just “Breesus.”
3. Around the Horn
Tebow replaces Tony Reali and moderates the multifaceted discussion, refusing to mute anyone because, “that’s just rude,” and giving extra points to arguments that reference intangibles such as heart, hustle, and determination. Any references to a player “not being an NFL quarterback,” are quickly met with immediate disqualification. The producers quickly realize the best way to improve ratings is to allow one camera to remain solely on Tebow at all times, their female viewership in the 12-99 demographic rises by 300 percent.
4. Lucas Film, Marvel, Disney, ABC
Quickly realizing that they have a cash cow on their hands Bob Iger, Ceo of Disney makes an attempt to make 2014 the year of Tebow. He is simultaneously cast as the son of Han Solo and Princess Leia in the J.J. Abrams Star Wars series, replaces Ben Affleck in a Daredevil in a reboot, himself in ABC’s Modern Family, all while lending his voice to the next Disney Prince. As his Q rating climbs so does his influence leading us to the inevitable.
Tebow is given the reigns to the worldwide leader in sports, and the squeaky clean company gets even more so as Sundays feature all religious themed commercials between games, eschewing beer and cars ads, and the NFL adopts a mandatory prayer period instead of the traditional Halftime shows. Tebow resigns after feeling he can do no more for this company and sets his sights on a loftier goal, and with his running mate Ray Lewis in tow, he announces his candidacy for President in 2020.
Kyle Robinson is by day a not-so mild mannered drone for one of the world’s largest tech companies; by night, he’s a sports enthusiast/wrestling smark/videogame geek/travel nut/chicken connoisseur/ comic book nerd and self- proclaimed “hopefully non-threatening black man”. Follow him @tckexperience for tweets that he hopes get more RTs, because that’s how he validates his existence.
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