If Rupert Murdoch has taught us anything about being a billionaire, it’s that all of your ideas are good ones and somebody, somewhere will congratulate you for having them. With Warren Buffett routinely giving as much of his money to others as humanly possible, it seems the Omaha Oracle has finally decided to do a little something wild with his money — invest in TV. CBS News reports that Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway has decided to buy a Miami TV station for a cool million dollars, begging the question: what the hell is he going to do with it? While there’s no telling what gold he’ll spin from this strange property, we’ve heard a few rumors about his initial programming lineup:
1. Tesla polo: Any uncivilized individual with a TV set and a scholarship to Cambridge has seen a game of polo played on horseback. Anyone who’s hung out with Steve Wozniak has seen the same game played on a Segway. But what happens when you get a bunch of billionaires too old for Ferraris (or vigorous activity) together for an afternoon of sporting? Tesla polo, that’s what. The game is played from the window of an electric car, with one man hitting the balls, another man doing the driving, and their billionaire napping until lunchtime in the back seat.
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2. Train arrivals and departures: If there’s one thing Buffett loves more than money, it’s trains. Why, you ask? We conjecture that it has something to do with the deep desire of everyone over 60 to discuss other peoples’ means of travel, but what do we know? Similar to the Norwegian program on which wood is chopped, dried, and stacked, the train channel would provide similarly soothing subject matter — in this case, footage of departures and arrivals — at four train stations across the globe. Riveting stuff!
3. The Giving Channel: Buffett has made a name for himself as one of the world’s most generous men, and we can hardly imagine his network would be complete without some nod to his philanthropic efforts. The Giving Channel will show just that — a non-stop montage of missionaries providing LifeStraws to kids in the third world, doctors correcting cleft palates, rich families giving big tips to single mom waitresses, and dogs being adopted from shelters.
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4. ESPN 20 — all bridge, all the time: Buffett’s reportedly no slouch at bridge, and, having invested over a million to bring the game to schools, it’s no surprise that he’d have a vested interest in getting the world to love the game as much as he does. On this version of ESPN, Buffet will host a game as exhilarating as anything shown on the network’s hundred or so other channels, except the only wounds the players will get are papercuts, and, sadly, there will be no chance for a trampoline reboot.
5. The trading floor: Who doesn’t want to watch traders sweat and curse in real time?
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